Sibling Bonding and Bonding With Pets

When our first child Avi was 15 months old I became pregnant with our twins. I adored Avi, who had been my constant companion during all that time. We had some serious infertility problems before him and had finally after almost four years been able to conceive. I was excited about having twins now, but my fear of displacing him far outweighed my joy. Would he feel hurt? Would he be jealous? How would I be able to give him the same quality time and one-on-one that we both enjoyed so much? Would I love the twins less? Did I have that much love to spread around? I really worried about what this would do to him. I had no way of knowing how he might react. We had not been around very many other babies so I really didn’t know what he would do with two all at once, all the time. I thought about this a lot. 

I talked about ‘our’ babies. I knew if I was excited about ‘our’ new babies coming, it should rub off on him, right? As I washed the tiny clothes he had long ago outgrown and got the house ready I talked to him about ‘his’ new brothers constantly, and about ‘our’ family. I wanted him to know we were in this together. There would be no ‘mine’ and ‘yours’ in this family.

            He was still nursing but not all the time. He enjoyed his regular snacks and meals but I didn’t want to suddenly wean him either and I still loved cuddling and nursing him to sleep every night. My milk seemed to be drying up on its own but he didn’t appear to think anything of it. I made sure he had plenty of water to drink throughout the day.

We went to The Farm Midwifery School in Tennessee about a month before my due date to have the twins with Ina May Gaskin. (See: "Twin Birth on The Farm" under April stories at this blog). I was put on bed rest as soon as we got to The Farm to try to keep the babies in a little longer as I seemed to be contracting a bit. One of the girls at The Farm offered to take care of Avi the whole time we were there, which was so very much appreciated. He had a blast! He had never seen so many kids in one place at a time and just loved getting to run and play all day long. He usually came back to sleep with me at night but was ready and waiting for Star when she came for him every morning after breakfast.

                
So when I went into labor one night about 7 p.m. I called one of the midwives and then Star who immediate took my place in bed next to him. Lucky little guy! He loved it. By 9 p.m. the twins and I were tucked into bed getting to know one another. The next day the whole children’s community was very excited: they were to have their Halloween party that night.

I doubt he missed me at all with all the goings on around the community.

The day after that Star brought Avi over to the Tower Road House where we were staying since the birth. He was happy to see me and climbing up next to me immediately noticed the two bundles side by side on the bed. I had room on my lap ready for him so I could cuddle him and not have him think he was suddenly, completely displaced. He touched them and unwrapped and re-wrapped them like little dolls. And they weren’t both boys, either! This was pre-3-D ultrasound era, and since there was no history of twins in either of our families, I figured, according to statistics, that we were most likely to have either identical boys (highest probability) or else fraternal twin boys (the next highest occurrence.) I had two names picked out for boys, too and had not even entertained a thought that I might really be blessed with a girl. We had even been calling them Isaac and Jacob. (Avi is a shortened Hebrew version of Abe or Abraham.) The next likely set would be identical girls, and then fraternal girls and the very last possible mix would be one of each. He was fine with whatever they were. Gender didn’t fit into his world quite yet.

But that all ended the first time he watched me changing their diapers. I undid both diapers so I could put them in a bucket to soak, wash my hands and then diaper them both up again. For the interval when they were both undressed, Avi looked at one and then the other, back and forth. All of a sudden he started yelling at me. “Mama, mama where is it?” I wasn’t sure what was wrong. He ratcheted his voice up a whole decibel and practically screamed at me. He was downright indignant. “Mama, where did you put his penis?” he shouted at me as he pointed to Ruth. His baby was minus a very important part and he simply assumed this was my doing or rather, undoing. Nothing I said was good enough though. It was gone and I needed to put it back. I quickly diapered them back up and cuddled him and told him it would be OK. So much for worrying if he would like them. He was ready to lay down his life for them!

Another time he came running into the kitchen promptly bumping into me in front of the woodstove while calling, “Mama, mama, my very own babies are crying!” as in HEY, YOU! DO SOMETHING AND FAST! So I quickly realized that I needn’t have worried about him feeling displaced and not bonding with ‘his very own babies.’ He is 32 years old as I write this and still calls and checks up on them often daily from wherever he is to wherever they are. The last time I checked he was in New York City and Ruth and Hannah were in Minneapolis. Isaac is usually in Woodstock, New York, though he often travels. Rachel lives in England.

       
             “Let your children nurture each other” says Janis Keyser, coauthor of Becoming the Parent You Want to Be and parenting educator in the Early Childhood Education Department at Cabrillo College in Aptos, California. She explains, “Strangely enough, geometry comes in handy when you're laying the foundation for sibling harmony. We tend to think of a family as a triangle, with the parents at the top, managing all the children below. Instead, it's more helpful to visualize a circle where all family members have something to contribute.”

            “The idea,” adds Keyser “is to encourage your children to play an active role in a family support system. With practice, they'll become less adversary, more advocate.”

Keyser tells a story from her own life, recalling the time her son, Calvin, accidentally kicked his little sister, Maya, in a moment of 4-year-old exuberance. Keyser managed to refrain from running to comfort her crying infant. Instead, she let Calvin try, and moments later, Maya was smiling at her brother. This allowed Calvin to see himself as a compassionate person rather than a troublemaker, and Maya was able to see her big brother as a caring person.

       
            Elissa Stein of New York City says that when her son, Jack, was born, she wanted her daughter, Izzy, to feel like he was her baby, too. "I'd say things like, 'Iz, you've got to watch out for our boy.' This fostered a sense of responsibility and commitment to him that I don't think would have been there otherwise. Now that Izzy is 9 and Jack is 6, Stein says they share a close bond that eclipses small squabbles. Izzy recently invited Jack to join her sock-making class, and Jack likes to have her make him breakfast instead of Mom or Dad.”

Keyser continues, “You have lots of opportunities throughout the day to encourage your children to be nurturing: Let your older child read a bedtime story to his little sister or ask your preschooler if she wants to rub her brother's back before naptime. Suggest that your toddler give your older child a kiss when she's crying because she wasn't invited to a party. When one child is having a hard time with a friend or frustrated about having to clean up the train set, you can ask your other child, "How can you help him?" Before you know it, your precarious position at the top of the triangle will be replaced by a more secure one in a balanced family circle.

        
            Adele Faber, coauthor of the landmark book Siblings Without Rivalry writes, “It's tempting to tell your kids that you love them equally, but the truth is, children don't want to hear that you love them all the same. They want to know you love them uniquely, not equally. I knew one mother who would tell her girls, 'You're my three little bears. I love you all the same.' But that didn't satisfy any of them. Instead, a parent might say something like, "You are my only Amy. In the whole, wide world there is no one like you. No one else has your thoughts, your feelings, your way of doing things. I'm so lucky you were born to me."

            “Also, be careful not to compare,” says Faber. “Nothing breeds resentment like piling on praise at the expense of another child, like, ‘Why can't you dress the way your sister does? She always looks so neat,’ or, ‘Your baby sister has better table manners than you, and you're almost 6!’ Even complimentary comparisons risk stirring up hostility among your children. Your intentions may be good when you tell your toddler, ‘You're such a big boy dressing yourself, not like the baby.’ But the result is that your older child may get so invested in outperforming his sibling that he'll feel threatened when your baby grows into a toddler who can dress herself. Also try to avoid pigeonholing your children into certain roles, such as the Brain, the Beauty, the Energetic One, the Calm One, the Nice One, the Difficult One. Growing children need to experiment with multiple roles. And you risk ensuring that the Troublemaker becomes forever just that and resents the Artist, or whichever sibling whose role he yearns to try.”

I am sure that co-sleeping in our family added to the closeness they had among each other. As soon as a new baby came along, the next youngest ceremoniously ‘graduated’ to the big kids’ bed, leaving his place next to me. The older kids really got into this, welcoming him or her into their realm, making room on their collective futon where they slept stacked sideways, even though it was less than four feet away from Papa’s and my bed. We had a sleeping loft in the upstairs of our house which was just one large open room. In reality this wasn’t all that big a deal, he or she had been playing on that side of the room for as long as they could crawl, often falling asleep over there during bedtime stories. They made the added effort to include the newbie into their elite circle by showing him or her upon their first morning waking on ‘their’ side how they would all silently wiggled out of their damp diapers or training pants and PJs and steal out to the raspberry patch in the fall, or in colder weather sneak downstairs to resume their endless game of little people with their Lincoln Logs and tiny troll creatures until I got up and started the bath, which was also a communal sibling experience.

            Perhaps as a holdover from my own childhood, we insisted that in our house we would never call each other bad names, and I would hold them to this. No one in our family was stupid or dumb; or God forbid, told to “shut up.” We would insist that they kiss and make up – literally—whenever they had offended one or the other. Even when they were older, I wouldn’t budge on this one. What usually happened was they would both get the giggles while I waited for them to embrace and it would break the tension and heal the moment.

       
            I also insisted that this behavior extend to animals. If they were rough with the dog, I made them say they were sorry and hug him. Once when I found them dismembering a Daddy Long Legs I told them that it hurt and made them say they were sorry and put him/her back where they had found him (not that they could fix him.) They laugh about this now whenever they are together, but the lesson obviously stuck. We also decided early on that we would not allow war toys of any kind. We let their grandparents know this so they wouldn’t buy these for birthdays or holidays.

It worked OK until they got a bit bigger and the neighborhood children started showing up with their guns and warships. I simply told them that our house was in a demilitarized zone and that they could safely deposit their things in our mailbox at the end of the driveway whenever they came over. It worked pretty well until someone’s mom would show up to fetch her child and on the way out they would stop and retrieve their toys from the mailbox. The kid would just explain to the bewildered parent that they weren’t allowed to bring them onto our property and had stored them for safe keeping in the mailbox.

        
I will never forget the time when Rachel was about 2, she was sitting in her high chair and bracing both feet on the edge of the table and pushed off, which in turn threw her chair with her in it backwards and she hit her head on the iron grating in the kitchen floor. She proceeded to scream and wail though she stopped when I picked her up and held her. But Ruth, who was 4 started sobbing uncontrollably. I asked her what was wrong and she said, “But sh-sh-sh-she is my f-f-f-friend!” And so this bond continues to this day, and I find it interesting that Ruth who is a parent now, has taken bonding with her boys even farther than what we did when I was testing my theories out on them long ago. I find my grandchildren amazingly caring and confident little people.

            Dr. Bettye M. Caldwell Ph.D. Professor of Pediatrics in Child Development and Education at the University of Arkansas for Medical Sciences, “Although your daughter may dread going to her brother’s football games, encouraging support for each other’s interests at a young age will help foster an appreciation for their differences. Make attendance at each other’s sporting events and extracurricular activities a family affair and a regular occurrence. Urge your children to offer words of support and encouragement to each other before big events.

            “Family traditions can lead to fond memories of childhood. Help your children make memories together by prompting them to create traditions or rituals your family will continue. For example, prompt siblings to brainstorm activities they enjoy and encourage them to agree on how a tradition involving those activities will be upheld. Psychologist Mark Sharp notes that family traditions and rituals create a sense of bonding for siblings. “That helps create a shared identity, which helps them feel closer," he says.

“Siblings have opportunities to bond even when work is involved. Instead of having them perform their weekly chores in isolation, prompt your children to team up when cleaning the house. Have them wash the car or rake leaves in the yard together. Give them a goal and a deadline, and they will be forced to work together to accomplish the task. If one prefers to dry, ask the other wash and then have them swap the following week. Co-chores help your children learn how to create a plan together and find a way to reach that goal together, forming a bond of teamwork.

“Siblings may not always be willing to communicate with each other, but if you make daily sharing sessions part of normal activities, communication will occur naturally. Encourage them to communicate and bond by presenting a “talking wand” or object that is reserved for the person speaking. Each child gets a chance to share something about his or her day, but only the person holding the wand can speak. Take turns passing the wand so that your children can express themselves without fear of interruption. Even when an argument occurs, know that your children are still communicating.

“Especially among sisters, it may well be the most significant relationship you'll ever have,” says Dr. Luisa Dillner. “It may just be the longest relationship of your life, and the one that gives you as much grief as pleasure. The sibling bond, long ignored by researchers, is now thought to be one of the most important in our lives. No other peer relationship involves a shared upbringing, shared genes and shared secrets. Studies show the importance as you get older of having friendly siblings for companionship, reminiscences and practical support. Yet there are times when children wish their sister or brother would just disappear. Forever. And in the seesaw of sibling relationships, it is that between sisters that is both the closest and most competitive.”

    
            Psychologist Robert Williams described it as varying through life: "In childhood, a girl may view her older sister as a rival; when puberty approaches, the sister becomes an admirable guide to the adolescent world; shortly thereafter, when both are receiving boys' attentions, the sister may again become an unwelcome competitor."

        
            Dillner continues: “The good news seems to be that however much sisters squabble as children, things improve as they get older. This may be because there's less to prove and even less time to prove it in, but it's also linked to no longer needing to compete for your parents' attention. A study in the journal Child Development analyzed interviews with the parents and first- and second-born children in 200 families. It found, as other studies do, that sisters feel closer to their siblings than brothers do, and that the worst ages for bickering are when the oldest child is 13 and the second-born 10. After this, the study concluded, things should get better.

           "Life events often change the dynamics of the sibling relationship. A study of 60 siblings aged between 25 and 89, in the Journal Of Marriage And The Family, found that having children often brought sisters together (though with the risk of competition over their children's achievements), as did adverse events such as divorce and the ill health of parents. Sisters phone and see each other more than other pairs of siblings, and are more likely to help with childcare, though their favorite thing is giving sisterly advice.

       
          “For my book The Complete Book Of Sisters I interviewed women who mostly spoke of their sisters affectionately, although this was mixed with regret for those who were estranged from their sisters. Sisters who were close said their sister knew them better than anyone, which meant they could hurt them and also support them the most. "My sisters take no prisoners – when we meet, there's a lot of verbal rough and tumble," said one woman in her 40s. "But if I murdered my husband, I know they'd be round, no questions asked, with a bulldozer to bury the body." And all the sisters I spoke to know the two golden rules of sisterhood: never borrow clothes without asking and never go after your sister's bloke.”

    In her book, The Glass Castle: A Memoir, (Scribner, 2005) Jeannette Walls exemplifies this bond between sisters like I have seldom seen before. Their bond actually saves her siblings from perpetuating the cycle of poverty and the dis-functional life style of their parents. Only in the past decade have I made an effort to reconnect with my own sister, Phebe. I regret that we were estranged for so many years before that. We had just gone on two very different journeys on two different continents and then suddenly, it occurred to me one day that she is in fact my only sister, and that there still might be time to connect and maybe even become close. We are still on two different continents, though we have made the effort to visit each other, and now email almost daily, sharing everything, offering sisterly advice and concern and commenting (even when my opinion is not solicited.)

Bonding and Pets 
Many couples have pets long before they start their families, so that when their first baby comes along, the family cat or dog who imagines they are the center of the universe can actually become angry and jealous of the little intruder. I didn’t realize how real this could be until I was hired as a postpartum doula for a family who had just given birth at a birthing center where I worked a few years ago. Their midwife had warned them and suggested that they take the baby blanket off of their baby as soon as they got home and put it somewhere where the cat could smell it for a while before they introduced baby to him.

            They simply assumed that their old lovable tom wouldn’t be fazed but unfortunately they underestimated him. They didn’t try the blanket trick. They just came home, crawled into their big bed and left the bedroom door open. I arrived about this time and followed them into the bedroom to help them settle in. Kitty came wandering in shortly after that, sniffed around a bit and proceeded to jump up on the bed.

What happened next came so fast I didn’t know how to react. The cat bared his claws and teeth and lunged at the baby’s head and in the same moment, which seemed like slow motion at the time, the mom whacked the cat with her arm, sending him flying across the bed and into the wall. I pushed him out the door in the next second slamming it shut behind him. I had never witnessed anything like it and now I insist that the blanket goes in the house even before the baby and is introduced immediately. This may even need to be done for a couple of days to acclimate your pet. Animals can be very possessive of their owners, but once they are used to the baby, they will usually become quite protective. It just takes time.

STAY TUNED... This and other stories will be appearing the book, Stone Age Babies in a Space Age World: Babies and Bonding in the 21^st Century© pending by Stephanie Sorensen 

Calling All Computer-saavy People Out There: HELP!

Now that the books are on their way to the publisher, I have a very small problem but being basically computer-illiterate (I believe the politically-correct phrase would be 'computer challenged') I need your help.

Can anyone figure out who is the photographer or to whom can I credit this photo below? I found it originally while Googling Images in 2010. I used key words like, African newborns, cute African babies, Somali babies, Black babies, and Black newborns. Even www.tineye.com reverse-search site did not come up with anything. Please use the comment box to reply. Thanks a MILLION!

You will be the proud recipient (for finding this information for me) of one of the first autographed paperback editions of the first book as your reward. I promise! Include your name, email contact and full address.
THANK YOU SO MUCH!

THE BOOKS!

We have a publisher! As of this morning at least, it looks like Stone Age Babies in a Space Age World: Babies and Bonding in the 21st Century will go to the typesetters soon and go out as a hard copy unpublished galley proof to be reviewed and endorsed first. I have over a dozen author/friends interested in writing endorsements. There are more stories and chapters that never made it to the web site that will be included in the book.

Next, when those come back, and are added to the project, the publisher applies for the ISBN number, does all the registering and then we hammer out a book cover and the photos inside the text. (I have to have it print-ready and proofed before the typesetting starts.) 

Then it will first come out as an E-BOOK! and shortly after that a hard copy paperback book. Once that is done, I can finish preparing the 2nd book, Call the Doula! a diary for the same processes to publish it as an e-book and then paperback also. Most of the chapters for that are done and posted on the website already but there will be more stories in that book, too.

It feels like we are moving fast, but I don't know how long all of this will take. Please, please STAY TUNED! and check here often. I will keep you posted on all of the birth pains until we finally deliver.

Much love,

Stephanie

   

from the diary of a doula

The only [sane] book that I could find when I was expecting our twins was Having Twins And More by Elizabeth Noble. The information I found there was invaluable. I am afraid that now parents have an overload of information and studies are actually being done as I write, about that overload and the

too-often results being that parents become so taxed with the glut of information that they opt out altogether, unsure of what choices are best and what choices they might make if any, that might not be the best ones. So, if you don’t already have too many notes on this subject you can also read about Penny Simkin, PT, author, and doula who is considering research on this at this time in Seattle at:

https://www.pennysimkin.com/

            In 1982 bonding wasn’t being addressed at all as far as I could tell, so my priorities at that time were just to get my babies fat enough so that they wouldn’t be under 5 pounds each and have a better chance of not being born prematurely. I wanted to do everything possible so that we could have them at The Farm with Ina May Gaskin and their protocols included not being able to deliver premature babies at their clinic. (See: Twin Birth on The Farm, at the toolbar under April listings)            

I was also blessed to have found a La Leche League leader in our backwoods town in Wisconsin, though I cannot recall her name now 30 years later, who had successfully nursed twins and who never balked at my almost daily phone calls for advice. She was a BRICK! (That’s Brit for an angel.) The rest of the time we simply bumbled along on our own, finding some things that worked and chucking out the ones that didn’t.

I wonder if bonding with our twins came easier to us because they weren’t identical. We had a boy and a girl, whom I never dressed alike. I think it was easier than it could have been had they been identical boys or identical girls. I was able to view them each as unique, separate little individuals from the start. The funny thing was, however, that before their 10^th birthday they came to us, obviously having discussed the subject at great length, and requested matching outfits for their presents. They had already, by their 5^th birthday, figured out that most children got their very own birthday cakes, whereas until then they had to share one. So began our family tradition of having three birthday cakes in one week every October. Their older brother’s birthday is during the same week as

theirs. So I sewed them matching outfits that year. I had found a beautiful piece of African batik cotton with green turtles wearing red sunglasses and all swimming in a blue-greeny sea of water and seaweed. They insisted on wearing those outfits even after they had obviously outgrown them.

       Because my husband was in graduate school and working when the twins were born, I didn’t want to keep him up every night helping out with one or the other, so I had made a nursing corner in the living room where we wouldn’t disturb him during their fussiest times. All of our children slept with us and I usually just turned over to feed them, but in the beginning it was a bigger production and feedings were definitely more often than when they were bigger and slept for longer stretches.

I found out the hard way how to take care of myself (or not) during that first year. As soon as both were asleep, most days I would switch into high gear and do up the dishes, clean the house, start supper, and even try to squeeze in reading or calling a friend on the phone. And I burned out before long doing that. Of course my milk supply was noticeably less when I didn’t get enough rest. Even an hour here and there would have been much better than ignoring my constant sleep-deprived state.

            Be sure that you nap when your babies do every day and don’t miss that very important element of self-care. Yes, it is fun and inspirational to read about how others have done it, but you will quickly become frazzled if you don’t sleep enough. The two leading causes of low milk supply are actually worry and a lack of sleep. When you weigh your baby (ies) before, and after each feed and worry if they are getting enough to eat, it actually diminishes the output. The best way to be sure your baby is getting enough is to feed often, throw out the scale as long as they are past preemie stage, especially when they show an interest with feeding cues and have 7 or more wet diapers a day starting by day 7 (counting from their BIRTH day.)

In the end, I think streamlining many parts of our life gave us more bonding time and contact with each one. You will find the right way if you keep that in mind. One thing that did help us was moving our futons off of their frames and putting them on the floor. I didn’t have to be checking sleeping babies constantly, afraid they might fall off. I could also rest and let one or another wide-awake little rug rat play on the floor nearby without getting into trouble. We baby-proofed everything of course, electrical outlets first. We also found that an overload of toys didn’t help. In the end their favorite ‘toy’ was what they dubbed ‘the horse’: the vacuum cleaner! They would both get on it and make all sorts of animal noises. They were perfectly happy having just one or two toys at a time and having each other and their big brother Avi. This was vastly different from having our first, Avi who was a singleton who wanted my attention constantly and followed me around all day if I wasn’t carrying him.

       I bathed all three together, laying them on a clean towel on the floor until it was their turn or later when they were done. David often got into the tub first and would wash each one, handing them out to be dried and ‘catching’ the next one. For meals I started out with three highchairs, (one for each of the twins and one for our toddler,) three bowls of food and three spoons, shoveling the food in and trying not to share germs until one day when I was just too wiped out to care and realized that one big bowl of oatmeal and one spoon worked just as well. I never used baby foods or ground up portions for them, but rather went right to finger food when they first sprouted teeth. Bananas, avocado, tofu squares, cheese cubes, steamed cubed squash, beets or potato; melon, etc. (NOTE: peanut butter on bread has been found to cause choking as it sticks in the mouth and throat.) Most cultures around the world have had babies who obviously survived quite well without Gerber baby food. (See toolbar at right for “Rosemary’s Wisdom on Bonding.”)

I got rid of the rocking chair when the twins could crawl. For one, I was afraid of rocking on little fingers. Then I got tired of one or the other hanging onto my legs while I nursed the other. By then they were too big to both nurse at the same time and all three of us fit in the same chair. It also excluded Avi, our toddler from joining us. Back to the floor. We got a futon for the living room with a washable slip cover and that became our cuddle corner then. I could even rest a bit while they played, crawled over me, or nursed. I also put a gate in the doorway to avoid any unforeseen expeditions into the kitchen or bathroom. We were given a double stroller when they were about 6 months old which occurred at the beginning of summer, so I could take the kids out on walks by myself. I am not very keen on strollers, but it was nice to be outside and when we arrived at a park I would open up the blanket I had brought along and let everyone loose. (See: “Threshold Theory” on toolbar at right) We also got two baby carriers, one for each of us to wear on our hikes and outings. (See: “Wear Your Baby!” July stories on toolbar at right.)

As they grew up our twins became two very different personalities, often quite opposite in temperament. One day when they were almost 3 they appeared together at the stove where I was cleaning up from breakfast. Isaac spoke first. “She wants a girl cheese sammich and I wanna boy cheese sammich for lunch!” (He assumed I had been always calling them ‘girl cheese’ sandwiches. They often finished sentences for each other, though Isaac would do so out of impatience as Ruth needed more time to formulate her sentences. He developed much faster than she did, walking at 10 months while she didn’t start until she was 15 months old. He got teeth earlier and crawled earlier, too. He figured out how to unzip their one-piece footie pajamas, first his and then hers and would also open their diaper clips before I woke up, gleefully dancing around our bedroom loft  in their birthday suits. By winter, I started putting on the PJs backwards and securing the zipper pulls with safety pins in attempt to thwart them. I know they were having an awesome time but I was worried about colds and flu back then. I know now they will put clothes on if they become cold.

We never had problems with bedtimes since we didn’t have one. We had observed our Hmong friends’ parenting style years before and they seemed to have far less strife surrounding bedtimes than I remembered in my own family. When their kids got tired they dropped where they were and were gently transported to the communal bedroom. When our kids were little we lived in a log cabin in Wisconsin and to save on lamp oil we often retired as a family up to the sleeping loft and all climbed into bed as the sun set, eager for Papa to read. He read for close to an hour every single night for all the years we lived there. They never tired of the “Little House on The Prairie” series which we read through at least 3 times during those years. One by one they would fall asleep until Papa blew out the lantern. We also woke up with the sun during those years. This arrangement was quite stress-free and one felt fully rested in the morning.

I did not know then what I know now, especially about continuum bonding and I know I would have done many things differently if I had. I regret putting so much stock in doing what I wanted like sewing and baking pies. I was never satisfied with just making one Shoo Fly Pie. I had to make 5 to last all week and serve guests besides. I continued to make intricate quilts even after the twins were born, calling that “my personal times” but I only know now in retrospect that I would have definitely felt less stressed if I had waited to do all the sewing for a while. They have all grown up and I miss them very much. Ironically I have all the time in the world now to sew, though I no longer have any desire to fiddle with piecing quilts.

We do the best we can as parents with what knowledge we have at the time. We cannot berate ourselves for not knowing enough at any particular juncture in time. And I believe our children know we want only the best for them and can feel those intentions. Talking together as parents is critical. Discussing ideas, plans for better ways of doing things, or suggesting doing some things differently for a while must come from both of you being united on each point. I found my best resources though, in other couples we could turn to. And now that our children are all grown and gone, we can help younger families find their way.

Just a few of the numerous websites to read about bonding with twins are here below. There are too many to list them all. There is a wealth of knowledge and experience out there. You just have to tap into it. Gina Osher is The Twin Coach in Los Angeles. She bravely writes about some of the uneven feelings that twin parents may experience in hopes of helping other moms who are having the same challenges.
Also see:  http://www.thetwincoach.com/

community.babycenter.com/post/a26537489/

www.everydayfamily.com Raising Twins or Multiples

www.netplaces.com › Twins, Triplets, and More

www.rookiemoms.com/twins-week-bonding-with-each-child/‎

www.twinslist.org/coping5.html

Books and videos about twins:

Chicken Soup for the Soul Twins and More: 101 Stories Celebrating Double Trouble           and   Multiple Blessings by Susan M. Heim, Jack Canfield and Mark Victor Hansen

Books and videos about multiples:

Chicken Soup for the Soul Twins and More: 101 Stories Celebrating Double Trouble and Multiple Blessings by Susan M. Heim, Jack Canfield and Mark Victor Hansen

Double Duty: The Parent's Guide to Raising Twins, from Pregnancy through the School Year by Christina Baglivi Tinglof

Entwined Lives: Twins and What They Tell Us About Human Behavior by Nancy L. Segal

Everything You Need to Know to Have a Healthy Twin Pregnancy by Gila Leiter with         Rachel Kranz

Having Twins And More by Elizabeth Noble

Hello Twins by Charlotte Voake

It's Twins!: Parent-to-Parent Advice from Infancy through Adolescence by Susan M.           Heim

Little Miss Twins by Roger Hargreaves

Mothering Multiples: Breastfeeding & Caring for Twins or More! By Karen Kerhoff Gromada

National Geographic: In the Womb - Multiples DVD by Lorne Townend

Parenting School-Age Twins and Multiples by Christina Tinglof

Ready or Not... Here We Come!: The REAL Experts' Guide to the First Year with Twins by Elizabeth Lyons

Take Two!: A Celebration of Twins by J. Patrick Lewis and Jane Yolen

The Art of Parenting Twins: The Unique Joys and Challenges of Raising Twins and   Other Multiples by Patricia Maxwell Malmstorm and Janet Poland

The Everything Twins, Triplets, and More Book by Pamela Fierro

Twins 101: 50 Must-Have Tips for Pregnancy through Early Childhood From Doctor      M.O.M. by Khanh-Van Le-Bucklin

Twinspiration: Real-Life Advice from Pregnancy Through the First Year by Cheryl    Lage

What to Expect When You're Expecting by Heidi Murkoff

When You're Expecting Twins, Triplets, or Quads: Proven Guidelines for a Healthy   Multiple Pregnancy by Barbara Luke

There are many more books and valuable web sites out there. Mothers of Multiples groups are springing up all over, too. If there isn’t one near you, start one!

STAY TUNED... This and other stories will be appearing the book, Stone Age Babies in a Space Age World: Babies and Bonding in the 21^st Century© pending by Stephanie Sorensen 

A Custom-tailored Support System

The majority of us no longer have a whole village to help us raise our children. Many westernized countries recognize the need to take good care of their mothers and provide numerous services to make sure that happens. In Europe many employers not only grant months-long maternity leave but also provide fathers or partners with maternity leave, too. Countries like Holland further supply every mother often up to a year with daily mothers’ helpers who come into the home and do the laundry, cook, watch the baby or entertain siblings so that mom can rest. In Vietnam a mother is strictly required to stay in bed for 40 days, being waited on by her sisters, aunts, grandmothers and mother in order that she has time to recover and build up a good milk supply.

The Amish have a similar requirement that enables new mothers plenty of support and rest. In Hutterite colonies new mothers have been served in bed with the same chicken soup and homemade sweet rusk bread for centuries! Hmong mothers are required to avoid anything cold, including water and must start the prescribed broth and chicken and herb diet even weeks before their baby is born. Sometimes her grandmother will move in to do the cooking before the baby arrives. It is only in the last several decades with our mobile lifestyle that many families end up settling miles or even countries or continents away from what would have been a built-in support system.

      
History evolves, and so do our definitions and perceptions of the helping professions. Extended families in the past assumed the roles of helpers throughout the life of any given family from birth until

ultimately, death. Outsiders were brought into the family as society dictated the need for more ‘educated’ or ‘skilled helpers.’ Nurses and midwives learned from each other, from books of the period, or from physicians, though they were often less knowledgeable and frequently assumed the roles surrounding birth and death anyway. As families became more mobile and the parameters of the New World expanded, families often found themselves without the grandmother, aunt or mother who had helped before with all the ordinary and also extraordinary events in the family’s life. Doctors, midwives, undertakers, maids, cooks, dressmakers, and teachers -- all of these assumed roles for needs once met within the family structure.

Our 21^st Century finds us bereft of even close neighbors, friends, or church members willing or able to help each other in times of need. But our needs have not vanished or evolved with time. We will always need others to help us in ways where we cannot cope alone. With the advent of the feminist movement, around the 1960s and ‘70s, most women assumed they could become Super Mom, managing alone to care for themselves, their families and their households without outside help. Some succeeded, though I can assure you they were exhausted far more than need be in the process. Others did not fare so well and viewed themselves as failures. The fact is we were not meant to have to cope alone. And we don’t have to prove to the world that we are Super Moms either. As the feminist movement simmered on the back burner toward the end of the 1980s, men began to come forward. No longer would they refuse to diaper baby or run the bath, but they even volunteered as stay-home dads.

In the 21^st Century many people have at last found a middle-of- the-road, more sane approach. We don’t always have the extended family we would wish for, but we do have more options than ever to tap into and get the level of help we need, without feeling ashamed or appearing pampered. Doulas are one of these options. No longer solely unique to the elite class, they fill a much-needed gap in the care of ordinary families. In other countries, where there is socialized medicine, governments actually pay for doulas so that all mothers, regardless of income, will have the help they need before, during and after the birth of a baby. It is in the governments’ best interest to take good care of their mothers. Seven studies done in the U.S. since 1988, among many others, overwhelmingly prove that labor support versus usual care significantly reduces the use of epidurals, narcotics, instruments, and Cesarean rates alone, while at the same time increasing the Apgar rates of newborns (“The Birth Doula’s Contribution to Modern Maternity Care,” DONA Int’l).

There are many unforeseen turns in our lives, in our health, and in our families. The unexpected birth of twins in my own family is a perfect example. Though my husband worked for a large parish, no one offered to help when we came home, not with one but two babies, plus a toddler. I put an ad in our church bulletin seeking a part-time helper with no results. A doula would have been an answer to prayer. I was so run down by 5 weeks postpartum that I contracted pneumonia.

   
But now, close to thirty years later we are blessed with Doulas. Recently a couple hired me as a pre-partum doula when their midwife suggested support for a stalled labor. She was a first-time mom who had labored for more than 30 hours already and was overtired. Her body needed rest and she needed encouragement. So I agreed to meet them at their home. That night she slept soundly and ate well (I made her stacks of whole grain pancakes with yogurt and maple syrup). She was totally revitalized by the next day and began experiencing regular contractions again. Just having someone tell her that this was all very normal reassured her. Without this care, she might well have become completely discouraged and opted for unnecessary interventions which carry with them their own innumerable complications and risks. We returned to the birth center once labor was well established and she delivered a 10 lb. 10 oz. boy with good Apgar scores a few hours later.  

   
Back to my own twin birth. We found ourselves on The Farm in Tennessee with Ina May Gaskin (below) a few weeks before my due date (See: "Twin Birth on The Farm" at the toolbar at right) Despite the fact that they

were both head down, each over 5 lbs., that my blood pressure was perfect, and this birth wasn’t my first, I could not find a midwife or hospital (there weren’t any birth centers yet in Minnesota or Wisconsin in 1982) that would let me have them naturally i.e., vaginally, outside of an operating room. At The Farm I had 13 midwives/doulas at our birth which took all of 58 minutes. The Farm also has a midwifery school. I felt so supported and trusted the circle of women around me. I was able to have an incredible birth which could have been a Cesarean back in Minnesota and help during the first days and weeks besides. (See: Spiritual Midwifery, by Ina May Gaskin, 2^nd ed. pg. 130, also their DVD “Twin Vertex Birth”)

As a doula, it is an honor for me to be able to ‘mother’ mothers. 

We all need other women to help us throughout our lives and the role of the doula is not simply a New Age invention. It is an Old World practice reincarnated to serve mothers today. ~sss

        Most doulas charge for their services though many will adjust their fees on a sliding scale based on your

income. You can also suggest bartering. One family recently overhauled all of our bikes at their bike shop for us as payment. Another family of artists offered to make an Oriental dressing screen for our apartment in exchange for doula services. One family I know told their relatives when asked what their twins would be needing suggested a Doula Fund that paid for real hands-on help for weeks after the babies arrived.

Our doula group recently organized a supper drop off for one of our doulas who had just had her first baby. We could even sign up for a night on the website and then deliver supper to the door. Any dietary restrictions were listed on the site. In this way she had meals delivered for at least 3 weeks after her baby arrived. Church groups have also organized meals for new mothers but might just need an organizer to get something going again.

         

When our babies were small and I felt like I was running a daycare in my home and only saw one adult during most weeks – my husband – I came up with another novel idea. I printed a sweet card that invited other stay-at-home moms in our neighborhood, though I didn’t know most of them, for a weekly pot luck tea party, but they were required to BYOB (bring your own baby). I simply stuck them in all the mailboxes on our street. It worked really well. Once we all knew who was also stranded out in suburbia, we didn’t feel so isolated. Some of us are still friends all these years later. Many libraries now host mothers’ groups also. Start one if yours doesn't.

   
     I have also found over the years a great resource in the grandmothers I’ve known. There was one woman in particular who was really a brick when I needed one. Jesse had 9 children, all older than ours. They ran a dairy farm out in the country. About once a month I would ask David to watch the children so I could visit Jesse. I would take my nursling along, of course but Jesse always knew exactly what I needed. Once her husband asked her why I would ever pick their chaotic house for my ‘white space’ moments. She completely understood and replied, “Because no one else will not ask her, ‘so why did you have so many kids if you are feeling so overwhelmed?’” I loved my big family. I just needed a break every so often.

           

     Another scheme I came up with was my ‘truck stop breakfast’ once a week that I choreographed with David and was able to pull off for a few years. I would nurse the twins around 5 a.m. and tuck them back into our bed on Saturday mornings. David and all of the other kids would be sleeping in. I could then sneak out and drive or walk the 1 mile to the local truck stop by the freeway. I would buy the weekend paper, order breakfast and a pot of coffee and ensconce myself in a booth at the back of the place. I didn’t have to jump up once during the meal and the coffee was actually hot! It was heavenly! I would read Irma Bombeck's column first and laugh out loud. I am sure the truckers and the waitresses thought I had lost a few marbles, but I look back now very fondly to my Saturday mornings at the truck stop.

       
     After my 4^th baby, I had some problems with prolapse and ended up having to stay in bed – really stay there – for a couple of weeks. After the first few days of my husband’s cooking I was desperate. So were the kids. All he knew how to make was canned soup and scrambled eggs. I thought about what might improve this picture and came up with another creative fix. I called the little café in town and asked to speak to the owner. I knew she was a middle aged woman and rumors in town were circulating that she was quite unwell. I suggested to Pat that when I was better I could bake her pies and flip pancakes and hamburgers during the upcoming hunting season (this was a BIG deal in rural Wisconsin at the time) and until then, if she could fix us a box supper for 6 people – I left the menus up to her -- that David could pick up on his way home from work, she could keep a running bill and I would reciprocate the favor as soon as I was up again. She jumped at the arrangement and that night David ceremoniously placed the big box on the table in the kitchen. When the children were all seated, he lifted out a casserole of fried chicken, bowls of coleslaw and potato salad and a cherry pie! The next night was hamburgers and malts. The day after that was a Caesar salad and homemade bread. Supper had never tasted so good! After 3 weeks of this, we were up to making our own suppers again.

Six weeks later I was ready. I set the clock for 4 a.m., fed baby Hannah and snuck out. The cafe was already surrounded with pickup trucks toting gun racks parked all over the place when I arrived. I flipped platter-sized pancakes till 8 a.m. and then washed dishes for the next hour. I came in every Saturday and Sunday as long as hunting season lasted. After that I came in twice more and painted the pantry for her. Then she announced that I had paid up. I brought the kids down there for ice cream every so often just to visit her after that. It had been rather fun.

         
    The important thing to remember is that you do not have to be Super Mom and it is OK to ask for help. Don’t wait until you feel dangerously out of control. You aren’t the first mom to feel this way.

STAY TUNED... This and other stories will be appearing in one of the books, Call The Doula! a diary© or Stone Age Babies in a Space Age World: Babies and Bonding in the 21^st Century© both pending by Stephanie Sorensen