Birth plans - Do we need them? Do we want them? Do they work?

But first:

Amy Poehler’s Over-The-Top ‘Birth Plan’

American actress, comedian, director, producer, and writer.

Borrowed here without permission.

By ParentsCanada on April 21, 2015

We are looking forward to the birth of our child and ask that the following wishes be respected during our birth process.

We have chosen to give birth in a hospital because of the outstanding facilities it makes available to us. We would also like to deliver our baby in a hospital since we spent most of our twenties getting stoned and watching episodes of ER, and so we know that delivering a baby is the best way to cheer up an attractive but beleaguered doctor. Please make sure our doctor is handsome and “cares too much.” We considered a home birth, but we just got our hardwood floors redone.
We also considered a birthing tub, but the mother is concerned the water won’t be warm enough. Is it too late to flood the hospital room? Or turn it into a really fun foam party? We are sorry for asking. The mother is very pregnant and would like to remind everyone her brain has turned into spaghetti...
The birth environment is very important to us. For that reason we ask that the lights be kept dim, noise be avoided, and the door be closed for privacy. We would also like people to stay “chill” and not “bring their own s#!t” into the room with them. It’s really important we feel “cool.” Please decorate the room with Nan Goldin prints and leather beanbag chairs. We would love it if you could bring in a silk Persian rug for us to destroy. Think Chateau Marmont if it was closed for repairs. Or the set of MTV Unplugged.

Speaking of music, we will arrive with our own. We plan on delivering our baby to the soundtrack of Pink Floyd’s The Wall while simultaneously watching The Wizard of Oz. If this kid works with us, we guarantee your minds will be blown!
We plan on handling pain in a variety of natural ways. Please have a birthing ball and back massager available upon request. An annoying nurse with an unfunny and teasing manner on whom we can focus our anger would be a welcome addition.

The mother would also like a punching bag, a screaming pillow, a mirror to smash, and a small handgun. The father would like a George Foreman grill, just to have.

We ask for vaginal exams only upon request. The mother requires at least a minute or two of chitchat before cold fingers are introduced. The mother would like to remind the staff that her vagina is the absolute last thing that she wants to have touched right now. The mother can think of a thousand things that she would rather have presently poked at than her vagina. Honestly, the mother doesn't know how the hell that baby is going to get out of there. The mother also would like to request that the handsome doctor maintain eye contact at all times during said poking.

If induction becomes necessary, we are aware of the nonchemical methods and would like to try them in this order: breast stimulation, sexual intercourse, and cervical cream. That’s right, you heard us. If this baby isn't coming out, we are going to start doing it and make you all watch. So, let’s get cracking.

We will use the squatting or semi-squatting position for pushing. Preferably the mother would like to “drop it like it’s hot.”

The mother would like to push at her own pace. The father would like to add that he hopes it doesn't “take all day.” We would like to feel our son’s head as he descends with the option to stick him back up in there if we don't feel ready. The mother should be given the freedom to walk around during labour. Light choreography is expected.
If drugs become necessary, we would like to go all in. We are talking epidural, helium and roofies. The mother would like to ask one last time why no one is taking seriously her request for nitrous oxide. The mother heard about women in England and Sweden and Canada being offered this at birth and apparently it works wonderfully to calm nerves and help with delivery...

If delivery assistance is needed, we prefer “suction” over “forceps.” If episiotomy is needed, we prefer “buttonhole” over “backstitch.” If Cesarean is needed, please inform us early so we don't have to go through the above first.
In the event of a Cesarean, the mother would like to be conscious. The mother would also not mind if you tweaked her abs while you’re down there. The father would like to be present and totally freaked out when he accidentally looks past the curtain and sees his wife’s organs stacked next to her like laundry.

The father would like to be involved in the “catching” of the baby and the “cutting” of the cord. At least that’s what he is saying right now. We'll see. Please don’t cut the cord until it stops pulsing. Please immediately let the cord blood guy in with his titanium suitcase so he can put the cord blood in a vault and keep it fresh. It will help us during the robot apocalypse.
After birth we wish to nurse immediately. Please do not introduce formula or bottles or pacifiers or water, unless those things stop this baby from crying. Why won’t he stop crying? Wait, where is everybody going?

We prefer our stay in the hospital to be extended to the longest period our insurance will allow. We need time for our heads to catch up with our bodies. We also need to catch up on some Judge Judy. Please know we are grateful and sore and happy and scared. We will hear our baby down the hall and recognize his cry and we will realize this truly is a sci-fi miracle sent to us from G-O-D.
That being said, if people buy gifts that aren't on the registry the mother will lose her s#!t.

The mother would like to take this moment to admit a few things. She thinks natural childbirth is amazing but she also likes drugs. She didn't put baby oil on her perineum and try to stretch it because she just never felt like it. She lied when she said she completely stayed away from lunch meat. She also skipped Lamaze because sometimes she can't stand being around other people.

That’s all. We good? Thank you in advance for your support of our choices. We look forward to a wonderful birth. We are excited but mostly scared. Have you SEEN the mother? She is TINY! How is this going to WORK exactly? Please advise.

**********

Yes, she is hysterically funny, but there is also that tiny voice that wonders if she will be able to keep it together while traversing this unknown territory we call birth. 

Now you can Google "birth plans" and print out entire 25-page doula documents to cover all your wishes. On the one hand, a birth plan alone tells me as your midwife, doctor or doula that you have done your homework and know most of your options. It also tells me you are willing to take control here and work hard to achieve your goal. (Now cast in stone, perhaps.)

In my childbirth classes I would have couples bring in their birth plans and read them out loud. Most were quite detailed and covered just about every eventuality they might encounter. These couples' birth plans were thoughtful and intelligent. 

Then I would ask them to cross out one item on their list that they would be willing to forego should the need arise. This was a surprise. It made them think: "Maybe this won't all go exactly according to plan." It was not easy to give up anything on those lists. 

Next I would ask them to cross off one more item that they might have to give up, and so on until my last question is, "What one thing here is the most important to you?"

Many moms and dads think they are a complete failure if they haven't succeeded in performing up to their expectations for this birth. Many mothers feel that their birth was a failure if it wasn't completely natural or they needed to consider interventions for any number of reasons.

Well, people, welcome to Parenthood. So what good are the birth plans, then? They definitely get you to learn a whole new planet here. There is nothing else like it. Birth plans help you map out what you think you can do and challenge others to do more than they ever thought possible. They force you to look at what is happening here and remove any wool that is still covering your eyes. Yes, it can be scary. No, you can never be prepared enough, or learn enough or research enough. You will have to look deeply into your soul and find strength to face this next new chapter. You can do it. I remind mothers during labor that they are now joining all the mothers and grandmothers from all the ages past and in a way they are all here with you, rooting you on.

The birth plan is not cast in stone. Some couples find that really hard when they need to explore options with their providers during birth. Some say that the birth plan sets people up for disappointment. I think it is a good first step but we must remain open to change, a more fluid option here. We know babies have a mind of their own, often excersizing their independence as early as at their imminent liberation from the womb.

Here is a short video of my very favorite liberated feminist at 5 weeks old. She certainly had a mind of her own at her birth. She is also my newest grandbaby. Welcome to the world, Maraki!

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